Sex and Violence...

I'm not a violent person but.... lol there's always a 'but' when someone feels the need to point out they're not violent.

But I have occasionally ended up in fights... I don't think being in the army made me any more prone to violence... but I think fights and such were more acceptable socially... I know that sounds weird but it was the army...

I'm still a little bit confused about this experience so rather than trying to articulate my motivations and feelings at the time... I'm just going to describe the events as clearly as I can...

I was in a bar one evening in Germany, with my then bf and some of his mate. Socially it wasn't really my scene plus the bar was a bit of a shithole.I was getting a bit tired of it to be honest, the blokes were looking to move on to a club so I figured that would be my cue to make an exit.

Anywho this eastern European (maybe Polish, she definitely wasn't German) woman came up to me on my way back from the toilet... I really didn't know what she wanted but she was obviously drunk and pissed off, the music was loud and I wasn't really in the mood for a labored conversation's basically after a bit I gave up on the conversation gave her a smile and turned to walk away...

At which point she grabbed me by the hair and pulled me back and starts shouting into to my face while still holding on to my hair...

So I'm in shock for a few seconds and then I just went mental... I started punching her in the face... which caused her to let go... she was a bit shocked now, I was still punching her and I remember she was bleeding...

She was a good bit bigger than me and she started to try and grab me but mainly ended up with clumps of my dress and hair... Though I got pretty badly scratched and marked from where my clothes cut into my skin as she pulled them..

In the end I ended up putting her down with a punch to stomach. I was ready to start kicking her (harsh I know) but she threw up ... which was kind of nasty...

There were two blokes nearby who were shouting I guessed they were friends of hers, but my boyfriends mates were stopping them from getting near me...

If you think my bf was trying to break the fight up you'd be wrong he was cheering as loud as he could and so were his mates. Like I said it was the army and their attitudes were a wee bit different from civvies..

After it ended I was just standing there, my heart was raising, I remember having a bit of a headache coming on... I was pissed because she had ripped my top and I was just thinking 'What the fuck just happened'...

Anywho my bf came up to me and told me he'd take me home which sounded good... The bar staff wanted us gone anyway... If it had been England there would have been bouncers but things tend to be a bit more sedate in Germany.

Anywho instead of leading me out the front my bf took me out the back to the car park and over to a corner at the park that wasn't lit where he proceed to lean my against a wall and rip my knickers off.

I don't usually do sex in dodgey places, but my bf was quite perceptive and sensed that I might be up for it, he didn't actually say anything... I was trying to decide if I even wanted sex because my head was still spinning. It felt kind of like a mixture between being stoned and drunk, alternating between high and low..

I kind of enjoyed him fucking me cause the sensation was different than normal... as he was doing it I was just replaying what had happened inside.. my mind concentrated on that rather than on the sex... which is why my first orgasm kind of snuck up on me...

I hardly ever have multiple orgasms so after I came I was basically just waiting for him to finish when I orgasmed again... which kind of set my bf off more...

Then he pulled out of me and goes to take my up the bum... Anal sex was only something I let him do very rarely.. but for some reason the mindset I was in I didn't really mind...

Anywho I was so hyped up I didn't feel much pain (though I did later) it was the only time I ever orgasmed from anal sex... and again my bf was pretty hyped up about it...

When we got home he absolutely hammered me for what seemed ages...

The next morning I was absolutely aching, I had cuts and bruises I hasn't noticed at the time but I felt them now, plus I was aching from the sex, I hadn't prepped for the anal sex and it felt bad ... vaginally I didn't feel any better...

Apart from the Cuts and bruises there was what felt like a really bad hangover...

I was lying in bed a little pissed off with my bf being so rough with me when he fucked and I was still just think 'What the Fuck happend'...

I mean the sex was good it was exciting, I had never had three orgasms one after the other like that before.

I felt good after a bit for actually winning the fight. To be honest I liked the way my boyfriends regard for me increased. He was very image conscious and I'd looked good in front of his mates which to him was very important..

I know it sounds shallow of both him and me but that's just the way it worked... Sexually things got really good, he seemed to have this new energy when he was fucking me and it was good...

On an intellectual level I get that the adrenaline from being in the fight was still in my system when he fucked me outside but still, my thoughts on it are different every time I think about it.

Hubby's difficult relationship with Oral sex.

Hubby was the first man I was with that wouldn't let me go down on him. Hubby had some strange ideas generally about sex but this was really odd.

Basically I like to use oral sex as a kind of a tool. If I've already climaxed then rather than keep on getting pounded while I get dryer I'll just give the bloke a blowjob... Easy.

So the first time I tried it with hubby it was just foreplay... He hadn't actually gone down on me but he did kind of work kisses around my vagina and labia... which actually worked for me cause I'm not a big fan of recieving oral sex... but a few kisses and a little attention was actually quite nice.

Anywho when I went to go down on him he stopped me. I asked him what was wrong.. and he just said " I don't think we're in that kind of relationship..."

"what kind of relationship?..." I asked getting a bit suspicious.

"A casual one... I want to make love to you properly..." ... That statement I like and it made me relax a little.

"So you don't like women going down on you"

"well yes but I don't want to include it in our sex life".... which was a strange statement..

"So you like getting blowjobs... but you don't want me to do it..." Straight away I thought.. right he's got ideas about blowjobs he thinks women that do them are sluts..

"I'd prefer we didn't..."

"Right I've given quite a few blowjobs to different men... so if you have any negative opinions I suggest you reasses them.." I was getting annoyed.

"No it's just I just see this relationship in a different way to other ones I've had and I want to start our sex life differently"

I quite liked that and as I wasn't addicted to sucking men off I said fine no problem..

Anywho after a while I realised that I kind of relied on oral sex...

I'd climax and he wouldn't be anywhere near ready.. I got a bit miffed after the first few times... I'd typically get dry and sore well before he'd climax.. I had a go at him for not wanting me to go down on him... his answer was that it was fine that he could take it or leave it...

Then I stated to reasses it and thought fuck it I should really be able to have vaginal sex with a man from start to finish.

So at first hubby started declaring it was okay that he was fine, that if I wasn't able to keep going that was fine. I kind of got a bit annoyed at that I declared it was a non starter and that we'd work something out.

So the sex started to get a bit more involved. I should probably point out that hubby is fairly well endowed,, so even if I applied loads of lube the sex still got painful fairly quickly.

So I started off by stopping using condoms. Normally I'd wait longer in a relationship, and for the bloke to get an std test,, but I was all clear and I knew hubby had just gotten out of a relationship and there was zero chance..

I thought that would make more of a difference, I tried just grinning and bearing but most of the time it really got painful. I experimented with using loads of lube but what it just made him last longer, he's one of those guys that the more friction the better. If I really clenched up that would make him finish quicker as well but there was only so long I could keep that up.

In the end I tried a different tack and would just get in his lap and put him inside me, I'd just concentrate on keeping myself wet and relaxed and him hard.. I would thrust or anything just keep just keep while clenching up occassionally. just chatting and snogging a little, the longer he was erect even without actually thrusting the faster he'd come.

Even though I'd stay relaxed I wouldn't be able to stay wet so I'd have to use loads of lube... poor old hubby thought he was failing somehow when I'd take him out to apply some.

Anywho I learned to tell when he got a little bit tense, and just go hell for leather for a few minutes which would usually make me climax and hubby wouldn't be long after... It was a bit of a pain sometimes but it was really worth it and I think the sex really did help build our relationship up.

I do give hubby oral now but that's more complicated still.

Hubby and rough sex.

I suppose if I went to a psychiatrist he might be able to explain to me why I like for sex to occassionally border on the violent. In fact huuby suggested once that I do just that.

I got a bit cross we'd known each other for about 6 months and I was attempting to ease him into doing stuff sexually that I knew was outside his range of experiences.

I think my problem was that instead of just flat out telling him what I wanted him to do, I kind of tried to manipulate him, like I'd done with previous boyfriends.

I tried to make it a bit of a game at first, I'd wriggle away from him wouldn't cooperate when he tried to undress me stuff like that. With previous boyfriends this method had worked fine then after a while just when we were getting borderline I'd set out the rules, what they could and couldn't do (you'd be surprised the amound of blokes that think that if you're into rough sex then you're up for being bummed) and maybe work out a safe word.

Actually a safeword is a big thing, even though I've never had to actually say one. Once you tell a guy that you should use a safeword... they go wow!!! this must be extreme.

You'd actually be surprised the amount of guys that aren't into it. Being rough with women takes it out of a lot of men.. even if at first they think they might like sometimes they discover that once they start ... well they just don't have it in them.

Anywho back to hubby... he wasn't too keen and he was a bit perplexed when I tried to ease him into it. So I had to straight up tell him what I wanted.

So he summed it up "I'm going to undress you and you're going to try and stop me as forcefully as you can"

"Yep" I said . I explained that we'd stop once we reached that point. "you can slap me if you want or just spank me"

"I won't be doing that" he said pretty emphatically

"treat it like a game" I said

"it's a game for you" he said kind of judgementally I thought.

Anywho in the two years we've been doing it his method hadn't really changed. It's actually the most straight forward way I suppose. I was surprised when He did it the first time.

I was used to wrestling a little bit, with previous boyfriends I'd punched, kicked and scratched and gotten slapped about a little.

Anywho as hubby told me afterwards I'm fairly strong for my size so why take any chances. He simply put me on the ground on my chest put his knee on my back and methodically stripped me.

This was a bit of a downer at first cause I could struggle as much as I wanted and not get anywhere. later I remembered something I read once about going limp for a few minutes then making a sudden surge and breaking free.Hubby learned quick though.

I go a bit nuts when he's doing it, I still go all out to break free... but really I'm just gagging for him to shag me. Occasionally I'll just orgasam by rubbing against him while he's doing it.

It's bit frustrating because as he's so careful not to hurt me he takes absolutly ages to undress me.

What is very frustrating is that up untill recently he'd insist on a cooling off period. I used to be gagging for it but he'd insist on us stopping for ten minutes or so. Typically we'd move from the living room to the bedroom to have sex.

The sex upstairs lasts just long enough for me to orgasm, then we stop and cuddle for a while, typically I go a bit girly for a bit, then we shag again and he orgasms. (though not me this time)

Anywho a few months ago I was going through a stressful period. We were doing our thing in the living room he'd just finished stripping me and taken his knee off my back, when he just went into me.

It was absolutly phenomenal. He was only in me for 15 seconds max and I just exploded. I think he got a bit freaked out actually.

I don't know what happened to me but afterwards I just got all weepey and more girly than usual. I think the stress was part of it. I just curled up his lap for half and hour and went to sleep, he didn't even get to shag me for his own benefit like normal.

Anywho this was something that I wanted to happen again. It's not something that I was going to get very far discussing with him, he'd only done it because I was going through a tough patch, and it was obvious he wasn't happy with it at all. So I figured I'd have to give something as well.

Hubby doesn't like it when I don't wear knickers so for the next few days I made a big show of putting them on. He also likes me to wear girly undies rather than overtly sexual ones, so that was two things. I also started wearing nighties to bed instead of T-shirts.

Anywho the following week when we did it again, I was all poised when he'd finished stripping me and then... nothing.. he made me wait the usual time.. I was gutted.

I still felt I was on the right path though... so I did the one thing I knew hubby wanted sexually. I hate shagging after I work out.. I always have.. I'm usually knackered feel sweaty and icky and all I want is a bath.. But the only time hubby ever gets really overtly sexual with me is when he sees me sweaty and in my sports kit..

I've let him do it a few times on special occassions and sometimes I've faked it as in I wasn't actually working out I just change into my gear and spray a bit of water strategically ( though I realised after a while that he could tell)

So the next day I timed my run for his lunch break... It actually ruined my pace cause I really didn't feel like having to face sex on the way around.

So I got back a few minutes after him discreetly applied some lube and assumed the postition over the kitchen table.

He loved it I hated it... both of us knew it.

The next day wasn't the usual day for our little session, but he dragged me into the living room anyway... it was absolutly brilliant I knew he was going to shag me even before he raised my hips after he'd stipped me like before, It was as good as the first time which is to say mind blowing. I would have preferred if he'd orgasamed as well but I understand that he wants to keep the whole session in a little box marked for my benefit only.

I was surprised I had the same reaction as before I cried a little and just wanted to cuddle, though this time after an hour or so I remembered to actually initiate sex again..

I know its strange that neither of us actually orgasmed with the other but I suppose everybody has some wierdness in there lives.

Halloween... For me not a couples holiday..

I Left my husband off Halloween this year. It's not that he hates the whole giving out sweets to children that he likes... but my husband is very much into the Disney vision of Halloween whereas my mates and I have more the X rated vision and traditionally use Halloween as an excuse to let rip.

Last year we went to a mate of mines party... and hubby did not enjoy it. My mates are harmless really and actually quite like hubby, but it wasn't really his idea of a good time.

I think mainly it's down to our choice of costume. To be honest I've always used Halloween as a chance to try out clothing that I couldn't pull off at any other time. A mate of mine is really good at making clothes, she made me one costume from scratch which was a cavegirl's with scraps of leather and fabric placed strategically. The whole top part is basically just a push up bra with the straps removed. It comes in several pieces and takes ages to put on. There's not actually a lot to it, it stays in a shoe box when not in use!!. You can't actually wear knickers with it, without them ruining the whole thing , though all my bits are covered. with the bottom basically working as a kind of shorts/skirts.

Anywho hubby doesn't like it, he doesn't like any of my costumes but he hates that the most. He's quite honest about not liking guys looking at my boobs.

“but you can look at my mates boobs” I've told him

“no I don't” he told me

“but you can ... they want you to look” I've told him “tell them they look fabulous, it's not letching if you're upfront about it and give them a decent compliment”

“I don't want to look at their boobs”

“yeah you do you just choose not to”

“I really wish you'd wear undies”

“it ruins the costume, it's the one thing I've got that gives me cleavage”

He eventually came around but he didn't really enjoy the party, he always gets loads of attention from my mates (they really do find him fascinating) but it just makes him uncomfortable.

Ooh I almost forgot about the aggro last year when one of my mates boyfriends nearly had had a go at him, she was all over him (dizzy cow), and her fella got a bit worked up. Hubby was just looking at him vacantly like he was some kind of weirdo (which he was) in the end we threatened to show both of them the door.

It was kind of funny, she is a bit of a tramp anyway but it didn't mean anything to hubby. The strange thing about him is that I can trust him 100%. If he'd had the inclination he could have pulled anyone of a half dozen girls there, but he's just not wired up that way. Incidentally if you wonder about having mates that would shag my husband if he let them well... it's just their way...

So that was last year, this year I went by myself and my cave girl costume stayed at home. I have another one that my mate tailored which is a zombie one.. you know with the clothes ripped at strategic places, it was quite revealing as well I suppose but it did allow for the wearing of a bra and knickers ( which I made clear to hubby that I would be including in my ensemble).

So off I went and met the shocked expressions of my mates. Straight away they assumed I was up for hooking up with some bloke, and that somehow I had sneaked out on hubby they were a little shocked when I told them he was quite happy to let me go, and that my knickers were staying on for the night.

At the end of the day I'm in my thirties now I've done my whole slutty thing and I had fun but I've moved on though that's not to say I'm going to pass on the opportunity to dress up every now and again. I actually feel a bit sorry for my mates a lot of them are still hooking up with the same type of blokes they were 10 years ago. The type of guy that would make you afraid to drink too much cause you wouldn't trust him not to bum you when you're passed out (which happened to one of my mates last year) or take dodgey photos or invite his mates to have a go on you.

I enjoyed the party and the buzz and the flirting and didn't mind guys letching at me, but it's only good for one night and I can't base my entire social life around it any more. I think some of my mates are starting to realise it's getting old as well. They like the idea of having a decent bloke for a husband. Someone that'll drive several hours to collect you the next morning cause you can't face the train with a hangover.. like hubby.

I've told him that he would be able to pull the majority of my mates ( I get the impression he thinks I was a fluke) he doesn't really believe me though. I told him the cavegirl costume would remain in the shoebox for all time... which made him happy...

Then I made a joke (cause there has to be a ying yang) about if we ever have a daughter I can pass it on to here..... which didn't go down well..

OK I'll admit it I'm an IT mong..

So I took an attempt at sprucing up this blog thingie... but it's kind of had mixed results... I started trying to look up ways of making my blog look all nice and flash like so many other ones you see on the net... well umpteen explanations of HTML was enough to drive me literally to drink... Anywho in future for optimum results this blog should be viewed through an alcohol induced haze..

Outed

I got a bit of a fright the other day.. I post on a forum about various other things and I got ahm a bit worked up about an incident that happened when I was in the army. I should have realised that other people that were posting would be able to piece together who I was from my posts... Yet I was still surprised when I got a PM from a guy who said he knew me...

I don't remember him and I get the suspicion that he had to ask around before he could find out who I was..

So there's a lesson there for me... I feel better that I use this blog as an outlet for all the sexual stuff so I can keep it seperate from other stuff I post on the net..

Struggling to leave myself alone...

I came really close to masturbating last night.. I didn't even notice myself doing it at first.. I'd had a drink went to bed started to toss and turn for a while and the next thing I know I'm fingering myself...

I have kind of negative views on masturbation.. I was always a big believer in a second class shag being better than a first class wank. Of course I have masturbated but it's always been very much a kind of frustrated pissed off wank rather than the whole bubble bath and alone time thing that a lot of my mates do.. I actually turned to sex with women (well it was basically just mutual masturbation) mainly because I couldn't stand the though of sexual activity by myself..

I kind of instilled my negative views on masturbation in my husband. When I went to Afghan I told him I was intending not to masturbate for the whole time because the sex would be better when we got back... It was hard at times especially when I got pissed off with it all and just wanted to relieve tension... But the sex was really good when I got back on R and R and when I finished the tour..

I think removing masturbation as an option is what makes our sex life so good... I mean at first the sex was pretty bad... but over the course of 6 months I went from having some of the worst to the best sex of my life.

Anywho hubby is away for a few days and last night I just felt really well... you know...

I like to seperate missing someone sexually from missing them as a person.. when I told him today I was missing having sex with him (as well as him) he offered to come home for a few hours...

He's done that in the past... I was on exercise once and he drove 5 hours each way just to have a 15 minute shag in a shed.. He hated it ... I loved it and really needed it at the time...

I'm not that bad this time I can wait another few days...

I know it makes me sound like some nympho but I have my self control..



Incidently I'm considering sacking this blog and maybe finding some other outlet... I know I've said in the past that readers aren't important to me and I just use it to orgainise my thoughts... but the thought that people could read this but somehow aren't... well it's not very satisfying and I don't think I'm getting as much as I hoped out of it..